The Price Of War
by Beregond5
Summary: Set in Mass Effect 3 after the mission in Mars. Shepard is in the infirmary, next to an unconscious Kaidan, and remembers. FemaleShepard/Kaidan romance. A 'What-if' ficlet. Warning: the theme is depressing. Read at your discretion.


**A/n: Plenty of references to Mass Effect 2 and the Lair Of The Shadow Broker DLC (Miranda's file), though I don't think I'm really spoiling anything. **

* * *

I don't know why I came back to the infirmary. But here I am, my elbows resting on my knees and my gaze on the floor. My head hangs low; I don't have the strength to sit up even if I wanted to, even if the chair is more than just a little uncomfortable and my back protests about it. Marines can take worse things than a sore back. _I_ can take worse things than a sore back. Besides, there's nowhere to go and nothing to do. Joker is taking the Normandy to the Citadel; EDI is studying the thing that went about as Eva Coré; Liara is in her room, working on the blueprints of the Crucible… everyone is doing their own thing on board. My job will come later, when I go to the Council and warn them about the attack. That, and hope that this time they will listen. Not that I'm holding my breath.

Sure, there are about a dozen other things that I could do; the Normandy is a big ship. Check up on Cortez, play fist-fight with James, decide on armour and weapon upgrades… hell, I could even go to my room, lie down and just stare up at the ceiling. But, instead, I'm in the one place I could be the least useful, not just for humanity's sake, but for the ship's too.

It's not that I planned this. It just happened. I walked and, next thing I knew, I was right next to Kaidan. I wasn't even under any delusion that he would be awake so I could have a chance to talk to him. Maybe it was the quiet that drew me over, or maybe the infirmary was the last place anyone would look for me… or maybe the off-chance Kaidan might slip away at any given moment and someone should be there if that happened. Who better suited than the commanding officer who was responsible for him? Who should have kept him safe when it mattered? Someone who didn't want their last words to be...?

Great, as if I need this now. Deciding that I had enough of the chair, I get back on my feet and decide to stare out the window instead. Who knows, I might be able to see the Citadel from here. Once there, Kaidan will get his proper care, and I can give him his new order: to get better.

_And then? _comes the inevitable question to mind.

I hug myself and lean against the cool glass. It was almost funny, how much of a dilemma _that_ matter had been till now. Should I say something? Shouldn't I? And could I say anything without opening old wounds that I'd rather not think about?

* * *

_Though she was at her desk, she was hardly paying attention to the flashing screen of the terminal. She should have been checking Geth readings or, more importantly, on the lookout for any evidence concerning the Reapers. This time, however, her mind had drifted off to something which was certainly a lot more personal to her. _

_It had been two months. Two months since she and Kaidan had gotten together. Sure, there were regs about fraternization, but she had also been the one who had put a stop to Saren's madness and saved the Citadel from Sovereign's clutches. If the Brass could turn a blind eye to her practically stealing a top of the line prototype vessel like the Normandy, they sure could turn a blind eye on that overstep as well. Besides, for all intents and purposes, she was now a Spectre first and foremost; she only answered for her actions to the Council and they hardly involved themselves in such trivial matters. That was one less concern off her back._

_Or so she had thought. Two months later, she realized that there _was_ something that she had to be worried about, and that was not getting her period in all this time. _

_No, she hadn't taken the test, even though she probably should have, if only to be sure. However, they hadn't been ashore at all this whole time and she had preferred to leave Dr. Chakwas out of it for now. She didn't believe the good doctor would break the doctor-patient confidentiality intentionally, but these sort of things always had a way of coming out on the surface. If that happened, then it would really hit the fan._

_It's not that she hadn't been careful. She had. They both had, in fact. Unfortunately, not always. That first time, on their way to Ilos, she hadn't been on the pill and the last thing that had been in both their minds at that particular moment was where had Kaidan kept his condoms. She didn't believe a single night of passion would be enough to make a face-heel turn and bite her on the ass; but, it looked like the old soaps were onto something when they kept using it as a plot device._

_She sighed and shook her head. She could analyse the how all she liked, but it would hardly solve anything. She had to figure out her next step, and fast. _

_She could hide it and make sure no one would notice. It could buy her three, three and a half months of time till they had docked somewhere and she had herself examined properly. Except, if this kept up, she would definitely not need a doctor to examine her just to tell her 'You're pregnant'; in that case, the only appropriate reply to that would be a very indignant 'Gee, Doc, you_ really_ earned that degree in Medicine'. Besides, she was well aware that being pregnant wasn't just watching yourself grow larger. She had a hard life as a marine, constantly fighting, and an even harder life as a commander, constantly stressing under the responsibility that came with the position. The baby would add an extra strain on her body that could prove seriously unhealthy for both of them. And that was _without_ putting the Reapers in the equation._

_Even with all that in mind, though, she couldn't bring herself to consider the option of having an abortion. Though it was a logical, fair solution under the circumstances, it made her very core revolt at the notion. Not because it was a sin in some religious book or other, but because it was against everything she herself stood for. She was busting her ass to save every life in the galaxy from the Reaper threat, only to throw away the life growing inside of her without so much as a second thought? That would be hypocritical, to say the least._

_With that out of the way, her only other option was to give the baby away for adoption. That would be harder to pull through, but, fortunately, Anderson was a good man. She trusted him to help out in any way he could and, considering his position as a member of the Council, he would be able to keep this under wraps. More importantly, he'd help her find a loving family for the baby without much fuss. The last thing she needed was people gossiping to their left and right about Commander Shepard having gotten knocked up._

_Speaking of which, Anderson wasn't the only one whom she'd have to inform about that new development. What she had with Kaidan was hardly a mere fling; they were both committed to this relationship. He would definitely want – and had every right - to know about this. And, she was aware that he would respect her decision on the matter, probably agreeing that it was the best option. Who knows… maybe, in those nine months that would follow, he would want to have a part in it all. Hell, knowing _him_, he'd probably cuddle against her at the end of every shift, a hand stroking her stomach while cooing to the baby at all times till he lulled them both to sleep. That was part of what she loved about him, truth be told. His calm, tender demeanour always soothed her, acting like balm even when her soul was raging in stubbornness or just anger. Considering that her soul and blood would soon rage due to hormones as well, she'd need that steady force at her side._

_Whoo boy… She really hoped she wouldn't become too high-maintenance in the months to follow. And that Junior would behave and not kick her too much in the long run. Or give her too much nausea. Or too weird cravings. _

_She smiled wryly. There she was, already bracing herself for the worst. She patted her stomach gently. _

'You know what? I think you and I are going to be fine.'

* * *

We didn't end up fine. An hour later came the attack.

* * *

"_Commander!"_

_The explosion threw her a good several feet away, knocking her against a drifting piece of debris. She winced in pain at the impact, but she didn't have time to think about it as she realized she was now drifting in the endless void of space, silence surrounding her but for her steady breathing and her heartbeat against her chest. And then she picked up the hiss of air leaking out, slowly at first… and then with more force by the minute. Her hands reached around in a desperate attempt to put the tube back in place, struggling as she didn't want to die, not like this, not yet, not now, please, not now…_

* * *

That's how I died, terrified and… I wish I could say alone.

I'm not sure how many in the Lazarus Project were in the know. The Illusive Man didn't give me the impression he knew, at least. Then again, perhaps he knew and just didn't care; I don't know. But Miranda did know. I found that out well after my violent wake-up call. She called me to the engine-room of the new Normandy to ensure our privacy, and, once we were there, she said just two words. "I'm sorry."

It was only when I broke into the lair of the Shadow Broker that I understood the true depth behind her words. And all I could think was 'Shit.'

Ironically, for someone who had info on everything and everyone, the Shadow Broker didn't have anything on my pregnancy. I guess Miranda made sure there was never mention of it in any records, either because that kind of info could prove dangerous… or perhaps it was out of empathy. I don't know and, to be honest, I'd rather not think about it. I'll only probably reach a dead end. And, besides, it doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is finding a way to fighting back the Reapers.

_And Kaidan?_ comes the next thought.

The bitter part of me thinks he had his chance to find out in Horizon. And, surprisingly, even the part that still hopes agrees. I won't fill him with undeserving guilt.

Let's say it was my own personal price to pay in this war and leave it at that.

**THE END**

**A/n: The idea had been there for some time, though I only now got around to writing it... and probably being the umpteenth writer going for that route. *hides* I hope you enjoy it anyway.**


End file.
